sebuah catatan apatis

hadooohhh...
bangun pagi, berangkat ke kampus, ngobrol ngobrol ngobrol ngobrol di kampus,
padahal dlm hati..
gw deg2an.
hari ini hari penentuan koordinator divisi acara emotion,
sesuatu yg gw pengenin bgt..sebuah goal tersendiri buat gw.
dimana kreasi lo, hasil buah pikiran dan kerja keras lo dinikmati ratusan bahkan ribuan orang,
dimana kreatifitas lo dan pengorbanan lo jadi sebuah kenangan buat banyak orang,
dan membuat mereka merasakan sensasi gokil yang ga bakal mereka lupain :
satisfaction

dan bagi gw, jadi koor divisi acara emotion itu penting bgt.
its like adrenalin. the pain is such a sudden rush for me.
the glory, and the pride.
its about being somebody, or nobody..

and after three-failure-in-a-row to reach my goal, finally.........

i failed.
gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal......................
gw terus ngulangin kata2 itu dalam hati, sampe gw lupa apa artinya gagal.
its four-failure-in-a-row !!! 4 kegagalan berturut-turut.
4 kata gagal berderet.
4 kali gw kehilangan rasa percaya diri gw, 4 kali gw ngerasain rasanya kalah.
and im thinking ? whats wrong with the people ???
have they lost their nuts ? even a prick can decide better than that !!
hahaha..even my inner voice mocking me, even my pets mocking me.
my molurus python peeing and poo in my room's carpete. shit.
i hit the bottom.
crushed, i keep my eyes open but it blurry..
my world spinning upside down, my inner voice laughing on my failure....
geez, whutta life huh ?!

come to think of it, its not the people..
its not them that make me feel this way!
its not my miss-im-too-busy-enjoying-my-very-beautiful-life-to-call-or-write-my-ex-boyfriend,
its not my buddy, its not the meth, not the grass, not the alcohol.....
its me.

it is this half-alive-half-a frog-and-a-little bit of-anger,pride,perspective-human being.
that thought the world is created to be so hard to survive.
he even thought he has to be harder to reach his goal, his pride and his glory.
manipulate peoples, tricking and pretending,
to keep his value high. to keep his social state still in their place.
he thought with his mind he is the one that will conquer the world.
he thought the world will be better if it spinning in his way.
the way that he want to..
and he hits the bottom,
he failed.

but,
he never quit.
winner never quit, quiter never win.
and right now,
he is laughing in the face of his failure..
maybe he is an egoist and selfish jerk for those who dont understand.
a freak idealist, he dont see this world like you do.
he walk through his life without apologies.
because he knows,
he is the one.