sebuah catatan apatis

hadooohhh...
bangun pagi, berangkat ke kampus, ngobrol ngobrol ngobrol ngobrol di kampus,
padahal dlm hati..
gw deg2an.
hari ini hari penentuan koordinator divisi acara emotion,
sesuatu yg gw pengenin bgt..sebuah goal tersendiri buat gw.
dimana kreasi lo, hasil buah pikiran dan kerja keras lo dinikmati ratusan bahkan ribuan orang,
dimana kreatifitas lo dan pengorbanan lo jadi sebuah kenangan buat banyak orang,
dan membuat mereka merasakan sensasi gokil yang ga bakal mereka lupain :
satisfaction

dan bagi gw, jadi koor divisi acara emotion itu penting bgt.
its like adrenalin. the pain is such a sudden rush for me.
the glory, and the pride.
its about being somebody, or nobody..

and after three-failure-in-a-row to reach my goal, finally.........

i failed.
gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal, gagal......................
gw terus ngulangin kata2 itu dalam hati, sampe gw lupa apa artinya gagal.
its four-failure-in-a-row !!! 4 kegagalan berturut-turut.
4 kata gagal berderet.
4 kali gw kehilangan rasa percaya diri gw, 4 kali gw ngerasain rasanya kalah.
and im thinking ? whats wrong with the people ???
have they lost their nuts ? even a prick can decide better than that !!
hahaha..even my inner voice mocking me, even my pets mocking me.
my molurus python peeing and poo in my room's carpete. shit.
i hit the bottom.
crushed, i keep my eyes open but it blurry..
my world spinning upside down, my inner voice laughing on my failure....
geez, whutta life huh ?!

come to think of it, its not the people..
its not them that make me feel this way!
its not my miss-im-too-busy-enjoying-my-very-beautiful-life-to-call-or-write-my-ex-boyfriend,
its not my buddy, its not the meth, not the grass, not the alcohol.....
its me.

it is this half-alive-half-a frog-and-a-little bit of-anger,pride,perspective-human being.
that thought the world is created to be so hard to survive.
he even thought he has to be harder to reach his goal, his pride and his glory.
manipulate peoples, tricking and pretending,
to keep his value high. to keep his social state still in their place.
he thought with his mind he is the one that will conquer the world.
he thought the world will be better if it spinning in his way.
the way that he want to..
and he hits the bottom,
he failed.

but,
he never quit.
winner never quit, quiter never win.
and right now,
he is laughing in the face of his failure..
maybe he is an egoist and selfish jerk for those who dont understand.
a freak idealist, he dont see this world like you do.
he walk through his life without apologies.
because he knows,
he is the one.

Hi, my name is : METHAMPHETAMINE

" I AM METH "

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children and that's just the start. 

I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold. 

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. 

If you need me, remember I'm easily found. I live all around you in school and in town. 

I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live just down the street and maybe next door. 

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think: I can be made under the kitchen sink, in your child's closet, and even in the woods. 

If this scares you to death, then it certainly should. 

I have many names, but there's one you will know best, I'm sure you've heard of me. 

My name is Crystal Meth. 

My power is awesome, try me you'll see: But if you do you may never break free!! 

Just try me once and I might let you go. But if you try me twice then I'll own your soul. 

When I posses you, you'll steal and you will lie, 

You'll do what you have to do, just to get high. 

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasures you feel in my arms. 

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad. 

When you see their tears you must feel sad. 

Just forget your morals and how you were raised. I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. 

I take kids from their parents, I take parents from their kids. I separate friends. 

I turn people from God. 

I'll take everything from you your looks and your pride. 

I'll be with you always right from by your side. 

You'll give up everyhting, your family, your home, your money, your true friend, then you'll be alone. 

I'll take and take till you have no more to give. 

When I finish with you, you'll be lucky to live. 

If you try be warned this is not a game, 

If I'm given the chance I'll drive you insane. 

I'll ravage your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely. 

Your soul will be mine. 

The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed. 

And the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, and the vision you'll see: 

I want you to know these things are gifts from me. 

By then it's to late, and you'll know in your heart. That you are now mine and we shall not part. 

You'll regret that you tried me (they always do), but you come to me, not I to you. 

You knew this would happen. Many times you were told. But you challenged my power. 

You chose to be bold. 

You could have said no and walk away, If you could live that day over now, what would you say? 

My power is awesome, as I told you before, I can take your life and make it so dim, and sore. 

I'll be your master and you'll be my slave. I'll even go with you when you go to your grave. 

Now that you've met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you. 

I can show you more misery than than words can tell. 

Come take my hand, let me take you to hell.

whatever you called it,

Glass, ice, crystal, crank, speed, shabu, Nazi dope, annie’s dope, annie, poor man's cocaine, yaba, ubi, ubas, putih, nyelem, blubuk-blubuk, berenti makan, i'll tell u sumthin :

it feels really good.